After discovering him in his threesome, I spent the next two weeks in bed suffering from a severe case of vagina elbow. It's a condition not unlike tennis elbow, but you get it from masturbating.
I think you still love me, but we can’t escape the fact that I’m not enough for you. I knew this was going to happen. So I’m not blaming you for falling in love with another woman. I’m not angry, either. I should be, but...
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Haruki Murakami
Statistically speaking, there is a 65 percent chance that the love of your life is having an affair. Be very suspicious.
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Scott Dikkers
There are all kinds of ways for a relationship to be tested, even broken, some, irrevocably; it’s the endings we’re unprepared for.
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Katherine Owen
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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Rodney Dangerfield
They'll say you are bador perhaps you are mador at least you should stay undercover. Your mind must be bareif you would dareto think you can love more than one lover.
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David Rovics
More Quotes By Chelsea Handler
There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.
Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.
Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving,...
My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.
Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.
